On Windy Days, Just Hold God's Hand

An anniversary is coming...

2010-10-14T19:56:00.002-04:00

It's been almost a year.

ALMOST.

To the day.

That we first heard that she had cancer, not a stroke. That she would not be able to live on her own any more. That she had a "prognosis" not a "diagnosis"...

Things have changed. The world news cycle has clanked along. We are fine, then not. Remember her and then forget. Share a memory, and then hurriedly change the topic.

SO glad that we are normal.

It's been almost a year.

And there are days it is still very hard.

To God be the glory.

Totally pissed off

2010-04-26T23:35:00.003-04:00

We did the damn taxes without the Federal ID number the estate is supposed to have because it didn't arrive in time... and not only were our taxes rejected, the damn IRS wants to fine us.

The estate's lawyer is handling it... but I sat and cried for the first time in weeks.

It should not be so flipping hard to take care of the financial matters of one woman's estate.

Oh. And to top of it off... the college has decided since we have "all this money" from the first settling of her estate, we get no financial aid this next year. Yet when we did our FAFSA we were 4 thousand lower in our EFC (estimated family contribution) than last year.

(WTF??? the woman had ONE CD and a life insurance policy!)

I don't need the financial pressures on top of this. And my husband is sucking at handling stress right now, too.

I'm just mad. Sorry for venting.

I needed this...

2010-03-25T09:38:00.002-04:00

Posted by a friend... melted my heart, which has been very angry lately...

Storm Walking

2010-03-17T12:51:00.004-04:00

I understand the grieving process and its effect on the human soul better every time I process another piece of this pie.

I do not understand it all, mind you.

Recently, I heard a song by the Christian band Leeland and the words spoke to me...

When the storm is raging all around me

You are the peace that calms my troubled sea

And when the cares of this world darken my day

You are the light that shines and shows me the way.

Oh the beauty of Your majesty

On the cross You showed Your love for me...

Beautiful Lord...

...it is your mercy that has made me free...

Beautiful Lord...

I am encouraged this day. Hope you are too.

winter and never Christmas

2010-02-21T14:07:00.002-05:00

I just pondered some thoughts on joy and grief this morning. Yesterday I found snowdrops growing beside one of the honking big snow piles next to the house.

Snowdrifts.... that seem like they will never melt.
Snowdrops... that remind me that spring will come.

We have Aslan with us... it is the end of "winter and never Christmas"

It's just that right now, there's a hell of a lot of snow to melt. On the ground, and in my heart.

Just being real.

well, when you put it THAT way...

2010-02-17T15:38:00.003-05:00

My spouse was just diagnosed (FINALLY!!!!) with ADHD. I had suspected it when our first child was diagnosed a few years ago, but when he brought up the topic with me, then his doc, our answers were both a resounding YES!

We have done the testing, the meds and the treatment has started. It isn't a magic bullet but drugs are really helping. I told him it was a matter of UNlearning brain patterns he has had for decades. It won't go away overnight.

He looked at me thoughtfully and said, "yeah. kinda like grief."

Well... when you put it THAT way...

YES.

Snow poem

2010-02-15T09:35:00.001-05:00

I remember that she loved this poem. After tramping around in the snowdrifts this morning, I had to stop and blog it before going back to work.

Velvet Shoes
by Elinor Wylie

Let us walk in the white snow
In a soundless space;
With footsteps quiet and slow,
At a tranquil pace,
Under veils of white lace.

I shall go shod in silk,
And you in wool,
White as a white cow's milk,
More beautiful
Than the breast of a gull.

We shall walk through the still town
In a windless peace;
We shall step upon white down,
Upon silver fleece,
Upon softer than these.

We shall walk in velvet shoes:
Wherever we go
Silence will fall like dews
On white silence below.
We shall walk in the snow.

snowed under

2010-02-09T10:25:00.003-05:00

We have not had the mail or the paper for five days (since we just got hit with 24+ inches of snow in a county that panics with 2 inches!) The lawyer called us and asked why we had not sent back some "time-sensitive" papers. We had to explain...

Nope. No mail. No papers. No deliveries. No power (back on now). And no snow plow either...

We were talking about how a storm of this magnitude would have scared her to death. How we would have worried (does she have heat? does she need groceries?) and wondered if we could get her safely to our house.

I miss her. Still.

Groundhog Day

2010-02-02T10:34:00.003-05:00

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day? Where Bill Murray, a cynical meteorologist gets stuck in a "do loop" for what is a nightmare of repeated scenes, do-overs, etc. It's a funny movie, with a undercurrent message of self-improvement, leave the world better than you found it, etc.

Well I found myself in a Groundhog Day loop today. For the second month in a row, the retirement complex has not accepted their assignment as payee for the utilities, once we turned over the key. So the December bills came to us. Phone calls and letters to the village and all utilities brought assurances that "oh yes, ma'am, we'll take care of it."

And in today's mail? (drumroll, please....) All of the utility bills, forwarded AGAIN by the post office because the village has yet to change the payee on the account, and the utilities say that it is the village's responsibility to do that.

Move over Bill. I'm working on keeping my temper, being kind, and explaining the scenario over and over... sigh. Let's not have a Three-peat of this one, shall we??

Deep Peace

2010-02-01T10:22:00.002-05:00

I have been wrestling with not being "at peace" and feeling an ache in my soul some days. (Of course, the ache isn't there all the time -- but on the days where the storm is high and there is no peace... my very human heart longs for it.)

So this morning I found a Sunday song posted by Sophia at RevGals and it just spoke volumes to me. And peace, that DEEP PEACE, is nestling.

Thank you for a fresh breath of air. And peace.

Gaelic Blessing arranged by John Rutter

Feedback

2010-01-28T21:02:00.006-05:00

Tonight we visited the high school to discuss next year's courses for one kid, and ran into several people who hadn't heard the official word that she had passed away. One of them, a neurologist, simply held my hand and said, "I am so sorry. There's no easy way to live through this." And that was all he had to say. It was enough.

You know, that was really wonderful. I didn't have to exchange platitudes about how she is "in a better place" or some well-meaning "I'm sure it will ease in time." Yes, both of those phrases are true (and I have even said them!) But what our friend said was just enough...

Afterwards, a school counselor caught me and told me that our kid had been in twice to talk to her since Thanksgiving and was in a grief group during lunch. She said, "I offered, she accepted. I hope that is OK." I said, "yes, she asked us what we thought and we encouraged it." The counselor said, "you are doing a great job - she tells the group how you process grief together and I can't thank you enough for trying to do that. I know it's hard."

I don't know as we have really 'done' much -- we talk. We look at pictures. Sometimes we cry. And then we go about the rest of the day...

But, the feedback really helped me know that she's doing OK, and we're doing OK too. I feel a bit of relief. We are a "public family" since I am in the ministry, and I know people watch to see "how does the pastor handle it." A little bruised and battle-weary, but we're doing OK.

Hallelujah.

It's been two months...

2010-01-27T19:53:00.002-05:00

The paperwork continues to cascade as we hit the two month mark on Tuesday. I started a spreadsheet because
1) her hospital stay is covered by Medicare and secondary insurance
2) her initial nursing home stay is covered by Medicare and secondary insurance
3) the five days she was "private pay" has NOTHING covered except a 20% UCR (usual and customary rate) charge for medications

#3 alone was a whopping $1100!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, after we picked ourselves up off the floor, and took a few deep cleansing breaths, I began to create a spreadsheet. So far I've found over $5000 in bills to us which were either not allowed by a Medicare provider or were not billed to secondary insurance.

It's a good thing I can play the numbers game since I worked for an insurance company. Otherwise, we would be paddleless up the proverbial feces creek.

Two months.

Oh God. I really miss her.

A first...

2010-01-17T15:21:00.002-05:00

For the first time since the whole business started in October, I started back to singing in worship again. You know what? For a few hours, with rehearsals and then leading worship, everything faded. The paperwork. The pain. The loss.

I know my heart has not been in the right place. I know that I have been stuck on myself with this pity party that isn't great to be around. I really have tried to be "different" and to be "OK." But I also know that lying about how you feel, and not acting like you feel comes back to bite you.

It's a first that I can do and be what seems "normal" and not be suddenly caught in a crying jag.

I'm really grateful.

January

2010-01-16T12:40:00.002-05:00

I really should take the tree down before I become one of those weird old ladies who has a pile of Christmas decorations in a corner on Easter...

Due Dates

2010-01-11T18:00:00.001-05:00

In three weeks...
- I have a round of paperwork due to the lawyer
- my oldest will have been back to college for a month
- my first paper is due
- I get to go back to the dentist to decide if I have to have a root canal

I am not sure which I dread the most.

Whoop-dee-doo. Happy New Year.

2010-01-04T20:48:00.002-05:00

So we went to see family and had a second memorial service. It was good to have the service, but just when I felt like I could get through the day without a crying jag, we have to go back through this knee-high muck of pain and loss.

I told one family member that it was what I had heard families say when they had two memorial services, particularly when someone is buried at Arlington National Cemetery and you have to "wait in line" for the caisson. It just brings up all of the old "stuff."

And it sucks.

The Christmas tree is still up. The lights are still on outside. Of course it's minus-something-awful with the windchill, so who the heck is going to take lights down. Let 'em shine on the snow and blow in the wind. But I don't have the energy to deal with the inside stuff. I need to clear it out and de-clutter but I don't feel like it. I guess it's because it was such a struggle to get everything UP that I don't want to take it DOWN.

New Year's Eve I went to bed at 11. I was too tired to stay awake. The kids stayed up and reported that they fell asleep before the ball dropped.

Now the kids are back in school. The house seems empty when they are away at activities (and the older one is back at college.) We spent a lot of time doing nothing together - watching football on TV, playing a few games... mostly just being. I needed that change of pace from crazy-crazy-crazy.

I know that emotional exhaustion is a killer when it comes to having physical energy. This is just a reminder.

Bleah. Whoop-dee-doo. Happy New Year.

trudging

2009-12-22T10:58:00.002-05:00

I manged to buy presents. Put up the tree. Hang stockings. Make cookies. Put out the creche. Write a sermon (I only have one this month!) Write a newsletter article. Whoohooo me. Happy Christmas.

I also took two more loads of stuff to Goodwill.

And I am really REALLY tired of all of the crap.

dragging

2009-12-15T23:15:00.001-05:00

I meant to write yesterday, last weekend. I just didn't have the energy.

Now I need to do the bake-clean-shop-wrap-concerts-plays-parties-worship services thing. And I really don't feel like that, either.

Somewhere between obligation and exhaustion. That's where I am living.

I know it is normal. It just sucks.

The "routine" is not routine...

2009-12-07T11:21:00.002-05:00

Today is the first day back into a "routine" work week. However, we are finding it hard because things which consumed our lives are suddenly NOT. THERE.

No running by the nursing home on my way from work to fix dinner and then out the door to kid activities.
No doing laundry multiple times a week because of incontinence.
No stopping for a special treat at the local "smoothie" store to bring in and try and tempt her appetite.
No negotiating or jollying the staff into helping us with a more manageable routine.
No guilt over leaving when my heart is pulled to stay because there are other people who need me.

These were part of our schedule. And now they are gone. And it's OK. It's just surprising how hard it is to have this sudden change.

I just don't want to...

2009-12-06T23:36:00.002-05:00

I know that my heart isn't in it. I really don't care if I decorate for Christmas or not. In fact, I'd not do it at ALL except there would be a family rebellion.

I don't even want to do laundry, let alone "deck them halls."

Pre-holiday let down? Grief? Exhaustion from work, school, kids, husband??? Can I blame it on perimenopause? (sure. Why not.)

sigh

Funeral...

2009-12-06T01:08:00.002-05:00

We stood in the mist and the rain.
The sun did not shine.
The priest made a cross of dirt on the casket.
And when the final words were pronounced,
The words of faith and promise of eternal rest,

The Sun Broke Through.

It somehow seemed appropriate.

We had tears, but they were mostly for ourselves. She is at peace. She rests beside her husband, the one she missed so much.

And tomorrow, after church, there will be no visit to her room to tell her about the music, or the sermon, or the latest funny shenanigans from our cat.

And we will mourn our loss and celebrate her great gain.

Prunes

2009-12-03T23:13:00.003-05:00

I emptied out the fridge today. There was a box of prunes. It took me back to my grandmother, who loved to stew prunes until they were un-prune-like. It goes without saying we threw the prunes away. (I think the last time I had them, I was pregnant and constipated up to my eyebrows!)

Her freezer was full of steaks, chicken, ham, pork chops and succotash. Three packs of succotash!!! We debated taking it home, but decided that we would offer it to neighbors. They all politely declined. I guess everyone but her thinks succotash is disgusting. So, with a silent apology to her frugality, I tossed it in the garbage.

Everything we can do in her house has been done as of today. In the next week, people who need the furniture are coming to get it - table and chairs, dresser, couch and coffee table, TV, lamps. It's going to people who need it. It's all good.

And it is so very hard. The last time we turn the key and lock the door, I know I will cry...

She really is gone.

New insight...

2009-12-02T22:35:00.004-05:00

God is surely sitting on the Throne...
But the doors to the throneroom are controlled by lawyers.

Sooo....

Guess what we spent ALL FRICKIN DAY doing today???

Three buildings, each in a different zip code. None of them giving the same advice, and none of it free.

Thanks?

sorting and packing

2009-12-01T22:04:00.004-05:00

There are three different methods for packing...

1) One is to be logical, thoughtful and careful and put "like things together"...
(This works well if you are packing people who are organized and their stuff is sorted and ready to be packed. I am usually this kind of person. Don't hate.)

2) Another is to pack "things which are next to each other together"...
(Which can be dangerous if you are a "piler" type of person and the closest flat surface is where something "belongs." My older child is this kind of person... so is my husband...)

3) And the third is, "I am sick and tired of packing up someone else's stuff so let's just mark them all MISCELLANEOUS."

I think I am on the third way of packing.

The list goes on...

2009-11-30T21:56:00.002-05:00

I don't know... I think I want to sell my house, "as is" and "all contents convey" when I'm about to go see Jesus. There's just so much to do to close out a home...

She did an amazing job of sorting through "stuff"... I shudder at what my children will have to do! (sorry kids...) There's really no piles of "stuff" anywhere to sort, box and bag, but there are collections of things that she couldn't part with because they were "still good."

Under that category, we have:

hair curlers (three colors, four sizes)
hair dryers (the old bonnet style? check. TWO of them? check.)
ironed and folded old (used) wrapping paper
the bags that the paper came in every morning (about two large shopping bags FULL)
plastic grocery bags (about 10 bags stuffed FULL)
twist-ties, neatly sorted by colors into coffee mugs (four mugs FULL)

That last one was what put us over the edge and we laughed until we cried...

But there's a lot of really really good things...

clothes, shoes, sweaters, coats, belts, socks, panties, bras
material, thread, findings, scissors
books, paper, office supplies
plastic food wraps and bags of every description
furniture - dressers, bed, sofa, coffee tables, lamps, artwork, desk, chair, kitchen table
kitchen - microwave, cart, pots, pans, mixer, dishes, silverware

We have to have everything out this week... We're both exhausted.

God gives grace. And provides tissues! She had 8 boxes in a closet. We've wept our way through this...