Tuesday, December 22, 2009


I manged to buy presents. Put up the tree. Hang stockings. Make cookies. Put out the creche. Write a sermon (I only have one this month!) Write a newsletter article. Whoohooo me. Happy Christmas.

I also took two more loads of stuff to Goodwill.

And I am really REALLY tired of all of the crap.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I meant to write yesterday, last weekend. I just didn't have the energy.

Now I need to do the bake-clean-shop-wrap-concerts-plays-parties-worship services thing. And I really don't feel like that, either.

Somewhere between obligation and exhaustion. That's where I am living.

I know it is normal. It just sucks.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The "routine" is not routine...

Today is the first day back into a "routine" work week. However, we are finding it hard because things which consumed our lives are suddenly NOT. THERE.
  • No running by the nursing home on my way from work to fix dinner and then out the door to kid activities.
  • No doing laundry multiple times a week because of incontinence.
  • No stopping for a special treat at the local "smoothie" store to bring in and try and tempt her appetite.
  • No negotiating or jollying the staff into helping us with a more manageable routine.
  • No guilt over leaving when my heart is pulled to stay because there are other people who need me.
These were part of our schedule. And now they are gone. And it's OK. It's just surprising how hard it is to have this sudden change.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I just don't want to...

I know that my heart isn't in it. I really don't care if I decorate for Christmas or not. In fact, I'd not do it at ALL except there would be a family rebellion.

I don't even want to do laundry, let alone "deck them halls."

Pre-holiday let down? Grief? Exhaustion from work, school, kids, husband??? Can I blame it on perimenopause? (sure. Why not.)



We stood in the mist and the rain.
The sun did not shine.
The priest made a cross of dirt on the casket.
And when the final words were pronounced,
The words of faith and promise of eternal rest,

The Sun Broke Through.

It somehow seemed appropriate.

We had tears, but they were mostly for ourselves. She is at peace. She rests beside her husband, the one she missed so much.

And tomorrow, after church, there will be no visit to her room to tell her about the music, or the sermon, or the latest funny shenanigans from our cat.

And we will mourn our loss and celebrate her great gain.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I emptied out the fridge today. There was a box of prunes. It took me back to my grandmother, who loved to stew prunes until they were un-prune-like. It goes without saying we threw the prunes away. (I think the last time I had them, I was pregnant and constipated up to my eyebrows!)

Her freezer was full of steaks, chicken, ham, pork chops and succotash. Three packs of succotash!!! We debated taking it home, but decided that we would offer it to neighbors. They all politely declined. I guess everyone but her thinks succotash is disgusting. So, with a silent apology to her frugality, I tossed it in the garbage.

Everything we can do in her house has been done as of today. In the next week, people who need the furniture are coming to get it - table and chairs, dresser, couch and coffee table, TV, lamps. It's going to people who need it. It's all good.

And it is so very hard. The last time we turn the key and lock the door, I know I will cry...

She really is gone.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

New insight...

God is surely sitting on the Throne...
But the doors to the throneroom are controlled by lawyers.


Guess what we spent ALL FRICKIN DAY doing today???

Three buildings, each in a different zip code. None of them giving the same advice, and none of it free.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

sorting and packing

There are three different methods for packing...

1) One is to be logical, thoughtful and careful and put "like things together"...
(This works well if you are packing people who are organized and their stuff is sorted and ready to be packed. I am usually this kind of person. Don't hate.)

2) Another is to pack "things which are next to each other together"...
(Which can be dangerous if you are a "piler" type of person and the closest flat surface is where something "belongs." My older child is this kind of person... so is my husband...)

3) And the third is, "I am sick and tired of packing up someone else's stuff so let's just mark them all MISCELLANEOUS."

I think I am on the third way of packing.