An anniversary is coming...

It's been almost a year.

ALMOST.

To the day.

That we first heard that she had cancer, not a stroke. That she would not be able to live on her own any more. That she had a "prognosis" not a "diagnosis"...

Things have changed. The world news cycle has clanked along. We are fine, then not. Remember her and then forget. Share a memory, and then hurriedly change the topic.

SO glad that we are normal.

It's been almost a year.

And there are days it is still very hard.

To God be the glory.

Snow poem

I remember that she loved this poem. After tramping around in the snowdrifts this morning, I had to stop and blog it before going back to work.

Velvet Shoes
by Elinor Wylie

Let us walk in the white snow
In a soundless space;
With footsteps quiet and slow,
At a tranquil pace,
Under veils of white lace.

I shall go shod in silk,
And you in wool,
White as a white cow's milk,
More beautiful
Than the breast of a gull.

We shall walk through the still town
In a windless peace;
We shall step upon white down,
Upon silver fleece,
Upon softer than these.

We shall walk in velvet shoes:
Wherever we go
Silence will fall like dews
On white silence below.
We shall walk in the snow.

dragging

I meant to write yesterday, last weekend. I just didn't have the energy.

Now I need to do the bake-clean-shop-wrap-concerts-plays-parties-worship services thing. And I really don't feel like that, either.

Somewhere between obligation and exhaustion. That's where I am living.

I know it is normal. It just sucks.

I just don't want to...

I know that my heart isn't in it. I really don't care if I decorate for Christmas or not. In fact, I'd not do it at ALL except there would be a family rebellion.

I don't even want to do laundry, let alone "deck them halls."

Pre-holiday let down? Grief? Exhaustion from work, school, kids, husband??? Can I blame it on perimenopause? (sure. Why not.)

sigh

Funeral...

We stood in the mist and the rain.
The sun did not shine.
The priest made a cross of dirt on the casket.
And when the final words were pronounced,
The words of faith and promise of eternal rest,

The Sun Broke Through.

It somehow seemed appropriate.

We had tears, but they were mostly for ourselves. She is at peace. She rests beside her husband, the one she missed so much.

And tomorrow, after church, there will be no visit to her room to tell her about the music, or the sermon, or the latest funny shenanigans from our cat.

And we will mourn our loss and celebrate her great gain.

Prunes

I emptied out the fridge today. There was a box of prunes. It took me back to my grandmother, who loved to stew prunes until they were un-prune-like. It goes without saying we threw the prunes away. (I think the last time I had them, I was pregnant and constipated up to my eyebrows!)

Her freezer was full of steaks, chicken, ham, pork chops and succotash. Three packs of succotash!!! We debated taking it home, but decided that we would offer it to neighbors. They all politely declined. I guess everyone but her thinks succotash is disgusting. So, with a silent apology to her frugality, I tossed it in the garbage.

Everything we can do in her house has been done as of today. In the next week, people who need the furniture are coming to get it - table and chairs, dresser, couch and coffee table, TV, lamps. It's going to people who need it. It's all good.

And it is so very hard. The last time we turn the key and lock the door, I know I will cry...

She really is gone.

The list goes on...

I don't know... I think I want to sell my house, "as is" and "all contents convey" when I'm about to go see Jesus. There's just so much to do to close out a home...

She did an amazing job of sorting through "stuff"... I shudder at what my children will have to do! (sorry kids...) There's really no piles of "stuff" anywhere to sort, box and bag, but there are collections of things that she couldn't part with because they were "still good."

Under that category, we have:

• hair curlers (three colors, four sizes)
• hair dryers (the old bonnet style? check. TWO of them? check.)
• ironed and folded old (used) wrapping paper
• the bags that the paper came in every morning (about two large shopping bags FULL)
• plastic grocery bags (about 10 bags stuffed FULL)
• twist-ties, neatly sorted by colors into coffee mugs (four mugs FULL)

That last one was what put us over the edge and we laughed until we cried...

But there's a lot of really really good things...

• clothes, shoes, sweaters, coats, belts, socks, panties, bras
• material, thread, findings, scissors
• books, paper, office supplies
• plastic food wraps and bags of every description
• furniture - dressers, bed, sofa, coffee tables, lamps, artwork, desk, chair, kitchen table
• kitchen - microwave, cart, pots, pans, mixer, dishes, silverware

We have to have everything out this week... We're both exhausted.

God gives grace. And provides tissues! She had 8 boxes in a closet. We've wept our way through this...

Hid from life today

We didn't do any clean out today... We didn't sort, fold, pack, pile or toss a single thing. We got Chinese food for dinner and watched a bunch of videos.

Her place is now in the stage of "big mess" and it will take a lot to bring order out of the chaos. It's almost depressing to see how much sorting and stuff is left.

Another frustrating note is that we are looking at her beautiful furniture and trying to decide what to do. It isn't really my style. It's new and extremely well-kept. But I don't want any of it. At. All. And this is causing conflicts.

Tonight I stretched out on the couch and fell asleep... and the kids were nodding off too. We are all just worn down to our last frazzle...

Grief work is hard work...

Lists and more lists

The phone call came about 9:30 last night... and it started a flurry of calls even last night...

Just trying to come to grips with what must be done today... so much to do and think about. But the plus side of the internet and email and Facebook is that we can send out the information quickly and with a few taps of the keyboard, rather than phone call after phone call.

Those calls have been hard enough as it is... Draining. Emotionally numbing. Comforting other people's tears when ours are waiting to fall.

The kids are OK. My schedule is upside down but everyone understands.

I didn't sleep so well last night... but she did.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Released...

She passed away tonight at 9 p.m.

About an hour after we left her room...

Blessed be the name of the Lord.