An anniversary is coming...

It's been almost a year.

ALMOST.

To the day.

That we first heard that she had cancer, not a stroke. That she would not be able to live on her own any more. That she had a "prognosis" not a "diagnosis"...

Things have changed. The world news cycle has clanked along. We are fine, then not. Remember her and then forget. Share a memory, and then hurriedly change the topic.

SO glad that we are normal.

It's been almost a year.

And there are days it is still very hard.

To God be the glory.

I needed this...

Posted by a friend... melted my heart, which has been very angry lately...

well, when you put it THAT way...

My spouse was just diagnosed (FINALLY!!!!) with ADHD. I had suspected it when our first child was diagnosed a few years ago, but when he brought up the topic with me, then his doc, our answers were both a resounding YES!

We have done the testing, the meds and the treatment has started. It isn't a magic bullet but drugs are really helping. I told him it was a matter of UNlearning brain patterns he has had for decades. It won't go away overnight.

He looked at me thoughtfully and said, "yeah. kinda like grief."

Well... when you put it THAT way...

YES.

Groundhog Day

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day? Where Bill Murray, a cynical meteorologist gets stuck in a "do loop" for what is a nightmare of repeated scenes, do-overs, etc. It's a funny movie, with a undercurrent message of self-improvement, leave the world better than you found it, etc.

Well I found myself in a Groundhog Day loop today. For the second month in a row, the retirement complex has not accepted their assignment as payee for the utilities, once we turned over the key. So the December bills came to us. Phone calls and letters to the village and all utilities brought assurances that "oh yes, ma'am, we'll take care of it."

And in today's mail? (drumroll, please....) All of the utility bills, forwarded AGAIN by the post office because the village has yet to change the payee on the account, and the utilities say that it is the village's responsibility to do that.

Move over Bill. I'm working on keeping my temper, being kind, and explaining the scenario over and over... sigh. Let's not have a Three-peat of this one, shall we??

Deep Peace

I have been wrestling with not being "at peace" and feeling an ache in my soul some days. (Of course, the ache isn't there all the time -- but on the days where the storm is high and there is no peace... my very human heart longs for it.)

So this morning I found a Sunday song posted by Sophia at RevGals and it just spoke volumes to me. And peace, that DEEP PEACE, is nestling.

Thank you for a fresh breath of air. And peace.

Gaelic Blessing arranged by John Rutter

Feedback

Tonight we visited the high school to discuss next year's courses for one kid, and ran into several people who hadn't heard the official word that she had passed away. One of them, a neurologist, simply held my hand and said, "I am so sorry. There's no easy way to live through this." And that was all he had to say. It was enough.

You know, that was really wonderful. I didn't have to exchange platitudes about how she is "in a better place" or some well-meaning "I'm sure it will ease in time." Yes, both of those phrases are true (and I have even said them!) But what our friend said was just enough...

Afterwards, a school counselor caught me and told me that our kid had been in twice to talk to her since Thanksgiving and was in a grief group during lunch. She said, "I offered, she accepted. I hope that is OK." I said, "yes, she asked us what we thought and we encouraged it." The counselor said, "you are doing a great job - she tells the group how you process grief together and I can't thank you enough for trying to do that. I know it's hard."

I don't know as we have really 'done' much -- we talk. We look at pictures. Sometimes we cry. And then we go about the rest of the day...

But, the feedback really helped me know that she's doing OK, and we're doing OK too. I feel a bit of relief. We are a "public family" since I am in the ministry, and I know people watch to see "how does the pastor handle it." A little bruised and battle-weary, but we're doing OK.

Hallelujah.

New insight...

God is surely sitting on the Throne...
But the doors to the throneroom are controlled by lawyers.

Sooo....

Guess what we spent ALL FRICKIN DAY doing today???

Three buildings, each in a different zip code. None of them giving the same advice, and none of it free.

Thanks?

Hospice...

Today we signed papers agreeing to hospice. We know this is right. She wants it. We want to see her at rest and at peace.

That reality is just harder for me to take than I thought it would be. . .

It will not be easier when she is gone. But it is definitely harder while she is still here and suffering.

I trust in a big God who can hold all of this pain for me... and who knows what we are walking through.

I am grateful for small things, like hugs and a bunch of daffodils (a surprise from a friend), and a cat who decided tonight of all nights, I was going to be her lap.

Thanks be to God.